Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Alex called me today.

He is good. I think I don't write that often enough.

The problem is that I write a LOT when I'm upset. It helps me to work stuff out. It helps me get stuff off my chest. Even when I'm vague about it.

The problem is, I can't always write clearly about things because... well, some people don't want to hear about it (hi Family). But more importantly, it's private between Alex and I. He didn't ask me to have a blog and he certainly didn't ask me to talk about him on it. It's not fair that I broadcast our relationship in that way. Most stuff is a bit vague and I try not to write about him if I can help it.

Unfortunately, that usually means I can refrain when I'm happy, or at lesst content. Of course, it follows that I mostly write about him when I'm unhappy.

It doesn't give a very clear or fair picture of how things are with us.

And, obviously, this is my blog and I will give you my side of the story and you can be sure that it is biased because I am undoubtedly perfect in my own eyes. ;)

It's not true, of course. I was just talking to Raye about that this evening. There are plenty of things about me that are less than perfect.

Sometimes - most of the time - I am afraid and that makes me build barriers and that's a difficult thing for a person who loves you to deal with. I can't imagine how Alex manages to continue to love me. It takes a lot of dedication, loyalty and well - he's just stubborn. I'm lucky to have him.

I find myself truly missing him while I'm here - wanting him to be here to share my days, away from any pressure, stress, deadlines. And, honestly, the thing I want most is a big hug or to walk down the street holding hands or to sit in the park together. Is that sappy? I hope so - it would be a big step forward for me if it is.

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