Sunday, October 31, 2004

After a minor freak-out on Alex (who graciously knows how to handle an obsessing, panicked Cathy) I am feeling better.

Of course, it is Sunday, and I've had two days to relax a little. Actually, I only had one day of real relaxation, since yesterday was go-go-go.

Saturday, morning I got up as usual to go to my usability class, which was really interesting and where I met some really nice people. I TTC'd my way home for an hour and a half (goodness, sometimes it would be nice to have a car!) so I could eat and stuff my costume into a bag before TTCing to Tree's place. We chatted and drank some much-needed wine before putting on our costumes and doing our hair and make up.

My coworker had lent me an old costume of hers to wear. It was the cutest space-girl costume I've ever seen! I wish I were creative enough to make stuff like that!

Picture me walking down the street to the subway in my silver lame with pink piping Jetson-esque dress with a puffy pink shiny wide collar, matching silver boots and silver wrap, silver makeup, glitter-faced and pig-tailed... walking beside a Lord of the Rings extra with an aluminum-foil sword and medieval braids. People couldn't stop staring.

The best was Alex's costume: a devil-face with a "Vote bush" t-shirt. It was GREAT.

We went off to my friend Tanya's Halloween engagement party.
More wine.
Saw two guys that I'd been involved with in the past. Weird.

And today I got to go for dim sum with Alex. I always like taking people for their first dim sum experience. It's such a different way to eat, and of course it takes some getting used to. I don't think that Alex will be fighting to go back soon.

But then we went shopping and I bought some cool pants at Guess, one of my favourite stores. I decided that I would celebrate my raise with a new pair of pants. I don't have a whole lot of work clothes... funny how your notion of clothing variety changes when you don't have to carry it all on your back.

We went for coffee and talked about work stuff and I started to panic about going back to work tomorrow. I just went quiet. Walked home. And freaked out.

Alex patted me on the back and smoothed my hair and said soothing words and we talked about what I already know to be true in my head and heart but don't know how to bring about in the real world. And finally, somehow, we talked of other things and I felt better. He is good at hugging, I have concluded. It is one of my favourite things about him.

And now I'm here at home, knowing that I should be reading my Web Strategy textbook, but preferring to geek out a little and just being selfish, knowing I deserve it.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

I noticed a ridiculous story in Humber's campus paper, etCetera, about the "Flue epidemic". They're using scare tactics to get everyone to get a flu shot. Don't these people realize that not everyone SHOULD get a flu shot? Why don't they report THAT?

I get so tired with people writing these ridiculous stories.
Today I'm doing a Usability course at Humber College through DigitalEve Toronto and I'm finding it so interesting and useful. I think it's even better than the really expensive Web Strategy course that I'm taking at UofT.

Although I think that I'd like to be able to SLEEP someday soon, I'm still happy that I came in today to this course. Sometimes I just like using my brain. Sadly, I can't help thinking about all the other things that I should be doing (ie: working on my UofT course assignment/reading, laundry and general housekeeping, cooking, spending time with friends...)

Friday, October 29, 2004

Poor Jimmy doesn't work at BMW anymore. I wondered why he was coming home so late that I didn't even notice he came home at all (except for the toilet seat being up, but I don't freak out about that kind of thing like some people).

So he's not working and since energy is neither created nor detroyed, I'm taking over his share.

I can't remember if I reported that I got a promotion.
Well, if I didn't report it before, I'm doing it now! Yay for being Managing Editor!

Except that I can't take on the new position full-time until some of my higher-profile projects are done. That means I'll be a project manager until at least January. Which would be OK, except that I've got sitemares up the wazoo.

I was just telling someone that I realized that I've been talking about my job a lot. It's a very North-American thing to do, I noticed while I was in Australia. And now I realize it I talk about my job because I don't really DO much else. It is my life right now.

And I think that's why I'm so crabby; although I like my job, essentially, it's all there is to life right now and so, when something goes wrong (as it invariably does) it's harder to shake off as unimportant.

It's taken over my mind and I'm having trouble sleeping. I keep thinking of all those things I've forgotten to do, or how I should approach this or that problem, or deal with that difficult client. It's not healthy.

I want to get to a point of zen - where the motivation to do things right doesn't cause stress. Where I can see beyond the immediate rush and details and have that perspective on what is really important.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Going to play indoor soccer tonight. Yay!

Then home to prepare for early meeting tomorrow. BOO!

Crazy days here. So busy I think I might lose my mind.
I'll be fine. It's good practice for facing things unprepared. Yes. There's the bright side: it's improving one of my weaknesses.


Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Well, I'm still working my bum off. Still doing 12-hour days. Still going to class on Tuesday nights.

This is the first night I've been home at a normal time. I celebrated by taking a long hot bath. In a candle-lit bathroom. With Sade playing. Magik.

A coworker sent me a stress quiz and it turns out I'm stressed.

~shocked silence~

And that I'm taking it out on other people.
That's the worst part, really. I don't like that person I become when I'm overworked and frustrated and have no patience.

However, I'm really glad that I went to visit Raye in Sudbury last weekend. She's so great to talk to. We just talked talked talked all weekend. And saw Ladder 49, which is a bad movie that you should only see with someone as willing to laugh at it as Raye.

And I read a lot on the 5-hr bus ride to the Big Nickel. I finished my book of short stories by women travellers and started on an inspiring book called Me to We. It's all about returning to a community approach to life, where people help each other. I'm really quite jaded by our consumerist society lately.

I need some time to live life.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Hi my name is Cathy and I left myself signed in on Alex's computer... yes i know I usually hyperlink on people's names but let me save you the trouble of clicking...

Alex is the best, ever and he is so good and I like him more than smoothies.

And now here is a funny picture:

I can't imagine what context that picture was taken in.

Thank you this is all.

Alex.. whoops i mean Cathy.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Crappy days, full of work and people being mean to me for no reason. Also people being nice to me of course. I do like my job, it's just really really difficult right now.

At least I didn't work 12 hours today.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Sitting in class today. Very interesting.

The best part is often the people that you meet.
Part of our group project is to analyze the Lonely Planet website. How exciting!
I'm going to Sudbury to visit Raye this weekend! How exciting!

It means that I have to leave work early on Friday, since the bus only goes to Sudbury once a day. So I have a bit of an extra long weekend... although I'll only be spending it in the bus. But maybe at least I won't be spending it being stressed out.

Monday, October 18, 2004

What a wonderfully relaxing weekend.

I had dinner and watched a cheesey cute movie with a great friend, I read, I drank tea, I cleaned my apartment and did the laundry (yay for clean sheets!), I had dinner with my mom and aunt, I hung out with Alex and watched TV, I slept in, I read magazines at Chapters, I talked to my sister on the phone, I even managed to unpack a box of stuff.

It's amazing what one can do when they don't have internet access.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Sometimes I wonder if the contractor I work with is just looking for ways to upset me. If not, then it brings up the question: what would he do if he was trying to piss me off?

I've been going through some of my old portfolio of work. I realize that, of late, the best writing that I've done has been extremely personal and not something that I would feel comfortable sharing in a professional setting. I suppose I might want to think about building a more recent professional portfolio.

I think I've said/written that about 20 times over the past two years that I've been running this site. Personal initiatives always seem to get pushed to the side, it seems. It's a labour of love, this thing. And someday - SOMEDAY! - I will spend the time I need to make it what I really want it to be. I will implement my grand vision. However, I might need to be chronically unemployed to find the time to make it happen.

(Who am I kidding? I was the MOST busy when I was "unemployed". It was just a more fun type of busy.)

I'm thinking longingly of my unemployment at this stage. Working 12-hours a day for weeks upon weeks is starting to wear on me. I noticed myself close to tears today as I tried to handle yet another disappointment.

This is not me.
I am a happy girl.
I don't tear up at the drop of a hat (or deadline, as the case may be).
I am NOT cranky. OK, Alex, maybe I'm a bit cranky sometimes. But very very infrequently. Most of the time I'm a bucket of sunshine.


Wednesday, October 13, 2004

I started my new course last night at UofT: Strategies for a Web Presence. So far, it's really interesting and should be helpful for my job.

The job, on the otherhand, is taking up huge amounts of my time at the moment. Another 12-hour day today.

And now I'm sitting here with my rooibos tea, nursing a migraine that developed today, thinking, "why am I doing this?"

Well, I like parts of it. I just really really dislike the one part of it that was dumped on me a couple of weeks ago that keeps sucking up all of my time.

And why is that, when you have the least amount of time to deal with it, everything goes wrong? No one does what you need them to do, especially not on their own, everyone screws up everything, miscommunications abound? I know why, I suppose. It's because I don't have time to follow-up on everything like I usually do. Or to proofread absolutely everything I write so that I am absolutely crystal clear and there is no room for interpretation.

But I wonder, why can't I cut a break?
One coworker said it today, "Well, your karma's bound to turn around. You're due for something good."

I hope she's right.

PS: while the Karma-police are at it, can they throw in some time for laundry and unpacking? Thanks.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Well, I'm back from Ottawa, unpacking. Unpacking stuff my parent's brought from home. Lovely thanksgiving. And now, back to work. Sigh.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Staying with Will and Lisa in Ottawa for Thanksgiving weekend, he brought out some old Liberty magazines he'd found from 1957.

One of the hot topics discussed was "Should you help your wife with the household chores?"

One man wrote, "I ain't no hen-pecked chore horse" and that men should "belt your wife to show her who's boss in the house."

Interesting that this was a p.c. enough topic to discuss in a consumer magazine. Several articles discussed women's place in the home. I suddenly had a nightmare vision of having to stay home all day, cleaning. Even the cooking part would get old real quick.

Mom also read me an article: "how to talk about sex with your date." It recommended responses to men's racy talk ("they consider this part of their seduction ritual" apparently). It gave an example of one man's "sex talk": "Women go wild for my profile. For example Suzy..." The lady's response was appropriately demure: "Well, I know Suzy and she's NOT that kind of girl and, frankly, neither am I!"

Shocking sex talk, to be sure. But he respected her after that.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Went for a lovely dinner last night with a coworker. He and his partner made an amazing dinner. Of course, I ate so much I felt sick. And then they gave me some to take home!

I really miss cooking. I need to do it more often.
Clearly, it was not going to start this week as I didn't get home "on time" even once.

But, on the somewhat-satisifed side, I am managing to keep a gazillion projects under control.

I know from experience, if I have to do another week like this one, I will become a nasty, depressed girl.

This Thanksgiving, I am giving thanks for long weekends.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Is it already that time again? Time for my daily blog (OK, "daily"... I try at least!)

It seems like a few minutes ago that I last wrote. And I was about to write a similar thing.

I swore I'd never again be one of those people who work until they have to walk home in the dark - always the last in the office, with everyone telling them they should go home. A sad state of affairs that that's what my week has been like.

And it all has to do with one project in an otherwise happy existence.

Actually, it all has to with my inability to shrug off the perceived importance of this project. I mean, how many times have I told other people to really think hard about how important their work is... is anyone going to die? are babies going to suffer? is anyone going to bed hungry because I couldn't get my project plan out on time?


And yet I have the drive inside me to continually ensure that I do the best job that I can do; that I not let anyone down, even when others let me down. To succeed, even when (especially when?) it's impossible.

As I walked home tonight, I considered the twinkling lights of the city and the chirping crickets in the foliage and tried to fathom the number of organisms alive right now who really couldn't care less about a stupid web site or an irresponsible contractor. They're all out there, quietly living their lives in blissful ignorance of my so-called "emergencies".

And now I sit, tapping away on my computer, listening to George Michael croon "Kissing a Fool" (one of my faves), thinking I need to sing more often. I'm pretty sure no one asks George why the files aren't uploaded yet or even thinks of inconveniencing him by missing their deadlines.

Lucky George.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

You know, when you work late, there really isn't much time for LIFE.

Good thing I actually like what I do for the most part. And I managed to have a lovely walk home in the dark, listening to Norah Jones on my MP3 player.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Over the weekend, I was going through all of my stuff that I have stored at my parents' house, and I came across shoe boxes full of old letters.

"Dear Spanks," one read from the summer after first-year university, "I miss you!" Dave, of course, had cut out Batman characters and had put together a thoroughly dirty anagram for me.

One from Raye and Scott, as they spent the summer together up in Sudbury, working on the Northern Lights music festival. Writing such warm and wonderful messages to me as to make me smile and tear-up all at once.

One from Tanya, about finally breaking up with her boyfriend. One from Chris, my boyfriend at the time, talking excitedly about my upcoming birthday and with "you're so pretty" scrawled on the inside lip of the envelope.

One from Evelyn, so sad and lonely in Toronto for the summer. Desperately wanting someone to come and visit her. Missing me.

A whole shoe box dedicated to letters from Heather. Talking about Tigh-Na-Mara, the resort where she used to work and her boyfriends and wanna-be boyfriends, about school and about New Kids on the Block, from time to time.

It made my heart ache for those years of love and loyalty. I remembered it all with such fondness that I almost felt that I was there, reliving the feelings. The fullness of my heart when I was with my friends. The outright love for the human race.