I loved the part of the weekend where my family (yes, Kendra, you are family too!) came over. It was so comforting. I feel such a partnership with them, so safe and secure.
Left to my own devices, I panic about the volume of things to do. I feel overwhelmed.
Yes, we are getting it done. Check out the post about what we did this weekend - seriously, we got a lot accomplished.
And every night I get a little more done. Last night, I returned a rental tool to Home Depot and bought some miracle grow for the garden. My neighbour is so nice, he let me use his car. He is wonderful. And then, when I got home, he had just finished a drawing for our front deck.
Once we're done taking this damn stucco off, we're supposed to pull up the deck boards, turn them over, score them and reattach them with additional screws so they don't curl. Then we should change our railing and build in some privacy/storage space with a built-in flower box.
It will look beautiful, but I have no idea what I'm doing, so it will take some time to get that completed. He's confident that it will just be a weekend of work.
But he's also talking about repairing another part of the fence. And I have other projects that need to be completed, so I wonder how I'll be able to get to that one.
And it's not just the renovations, which are almost fun and at least you can see you made a real difference. But it's the every day things. Putting out the garbage. Doing the dishes. Making meals (so that you don't eat crap). Sweeping the floor. Doing laundry. Watering all the plants and garden. Doing groceries. Cleaning the bathroom and keeping it stocked with toilet paper. When you're the only one doing that for two people, it adds up to an overwhelming load, little by little.
To the point where I just want to stop and have a day, maybe even two or three, spent by myself, not needing to cook or pick up after anyone. Just reading, listening to music and writing. In the sun. Drinking London Fogs.
I want someone to make dinner for ME.
And to clean up afterwards.
I want to live with another ME.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy that:
But right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. This happens. And sometimes I don't even know it's happening, but I just know that I feel horrible.
This feeling will pass. But for now, it sucks.
3 comments:
ouch cath! sounds like you should just stop all of it for a bit!
You're right, I need to enjoy my summer more.
I need to find my joy.
But sadly, a pretty house contributes to my contentment.
However, I will work and see what I can get done, but still try to do the things that I enjoy. Take time for myself more.
Once you finish the deck or the stucco or whatever, you'll move on to something else because there will always be something else there. Always.
Finding contentedness in accomplishment is a good thing. Seeking contentedness in accomplishment isn't.
Take time for yourself, enjoy yourself and give yourself a break!
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