Friday, May 11, 2007

it's sad when a movie sucks

I was really hoping that Spiderman 3 would be good. I really liked the first one. The second was... satisfactory. This one made me sad.

I was really excited about going to see a good movie by myself.

And then it kinda sucked.

And now it's late and my house is quiet and dim and I'm thinking it's time get to bed so I can get up tomorrow and get ready for my nice trip to the Ottawa Tulip Festival with my family.

I suppose that's one thing that never disappoints: my family.

I did have a rather nice time last night at my friend Theresa's house. I went there after an appointment in the area and got caught up with her, her baby, Ilana, and her pregnancy.

I have found myself getting jealous of pregnant women lately. Like that doctor on Grey's Anatomy who just found out she can't have children. Suddenly, everyone around her is pregnant. And she isn't mean about it, but just secretly envious. And maybe, like her, it's not really good idea, exactly - although, UNLIKE her, I actually don't want to be pregnant anyway. Not, at least, in the situation I'm in.

But I think about it.

I see all these couples who are so... together. And these mothers who have this calmness about them. Almost zen-like. They seem to have it figured out. AFTER, of course, that first year is over. Before then, they don't have time to uncover the meaning of it all. But now, they seem to have all the answers. Everything I want in my life. That simple, traditional, get-married-to-the-one-you-love-and-have-kids life.

I used to think, 'why get married? everyone seems so unhappy in their relationships.'

And then I started seeing my friends blossom in their relationships. Become better people. Be more content. Relax.

They had that person to support them now. They didn't have to fight it anymore. They attained that zen state. Not smug nor delirious. Just content.

And now I'm thinking about how nice that would be. To have something that just works. That isn't perfect all the time. But something you don't have to fight and struggle with.

Steph mentioned - did I say this already? - that she thinks part of our problem as modern women is that we've learned in the workplace that if we just make an action plan and do this and implement that, we can plan our way to a happy life. And it doesn't work like that. Relationships are not projects and we can't organize our way through it.

So, what comes first? The acceptance that there's nothing we can DO, which causes relationships to improve or the relative good state of things that causes the contentedness?

Tree and I, sitting on her porch in the rain last night, mused at what a nice moment it was. And we both thought about how we need to live more in the moment -- just enjoy the here and now.

And there lies my problem.

Because I brought into that Spiderman movie all my expectations from the past movies. All the excitement, everything I wanted it to be. Instead, I could just have relished my moment of solitude, the decadence of lone theatre-going, the mindless joy of a summer blockbuster.

What, you thought I meant something else? ;)

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