Thursday, June 15, 2006

Earlier this week, I had dinner with my university roommates, one of whom I rarely see because she lives in Keswick, and it takes a little longer than I'd like to walk there. (For those of you who don't know where Keswick is, click here.)

Anyway, me and Anita got together with Ev and her kids for dinner.

I gotta tell ya, I got more than a little emotional.

Her kids are five and two and they're blond and adorable and smart and mischievous and fun. And I totally got all teary watching them and colouring in their colouring book at the table and talking to Ev about her family.

"Cath," she said in her wise way, "Your body is trying to tell you something."

Maybe. Maybe it really does want a baby. Or maybe it just wants her life, with its beautiful simplicity and focus on the stuff that's really important.

I really do want to thank the people who commented in my blogs lately. It's been really super helpful. I really do feel like I've lost my way sometimes.

I'm normally so motivated/driven and it feels weird to have no where to really direct that energy right now. Well, I'm directing it in a direction that it doesn't wanna go, I suppose.

Anyway, people all around me are having babies and taking care of their kids and I just feel an ache in my chest because I know that I could do it. I know it's hard and the thought of motherhood really scares the crap out of me, but it's something I know I want... someday.

I know that now is not the time. But, I still feel the pull when cute kids sit on their parents' laps and ask the most ridiculous questions and smile with abandon and feel completely safe just because mommy and daddy are nearby.

But I continue to try to reroute this misguided instinct. I continue to try to make my life into something that deserves something that wonderful to happen to it. And those efforts take me in all sorts of unexpected directions.

I hope that this is me growing and learning and not me stagnating.

2 comments:

Sassette76 said...

I hear ya. My body and/or head has been thinking that way for a couple years too.

One day :)

Anonymous said...

Before I had my first baby I used to dream that I was pregnant. So weird, now that I think about it, the dreams felt so real, the belly the feelings. I guess my body was telling me "IT'S TIME!"