Monday, August 20, 2007


I read something recently about frustration - that it's about not getting what you want or need.

I've been feeling pretty frustrated lately. Roadblocks to many of the things that I'm trying to accomplish.

For every step forward, I feel like I'm taking three back. Today, I felt like crying and throwing things and screaming and actually purposely running my bike into something.

How do I get like this?

Because I have to keep my cool and pretend that nothing is happening when people make faces when I ask them a question, looking like I'm on fire or crazy without explaining why.

Because I know people are lying to me or to themselves or both and can't say anything about it.

Because things that were supposed to be fixed and working weeks and months ago are still in their early stages of development. Creeping along while those who are supposed to be working on them pretend like they have done all they can do... that that have completed the task before them.

And I feel like my hands are tied in each situation because freaking out would make it all so much worse. And yet I so want to freak out.

What in god's name is WRONG with people? Don't they have any pride in themselves? I feel overwhelmed. I constantly wonder how I can make the situation better and I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do. I feel hopeless. I want to quit. I want someone to help me, to give me the tools to fix everything. I want things to stop sucking so much. I want to be able to stop trying SO hard all the time. I want someone else to take responsibility and work WITH me.

My weekend joy is still in my mind, however. It just reminds me how good things can be. It serves to show me how dysfunctional other things are.

Somehow, somewhere, I will find the strength and motivation to pull things together again.

1 comment:

Stephanie said...

Oh hon, I wish I could make things better for you. You know it's OK to freak out sometimes, right? Scream, throw things! There are more than a few holes in my walls that are testament to the value of a good tantrum. Besides, the holes are a good reminder that it was really me and the poor wall that suffered for someone else's flaws. The downside is that you now have another task to add to your to-do list: plaster holes in wall ;)

I know that you will find the motivation and strength to pull yourself together. Unfortunately, we can't find the same thing for other people.

Love and hugs! And call if you need to vent...