Alone

2006-04-23 We all want eternity
Originally uploaded by [ henning ]

Sometimes I want to be alone.

It feels almost as if I'm sick. The tug in my stomach is insistent, but not always specific. I don't always know it's time. But I always know there's something wrong.

It's a wonder with all the amazing people I know and how much I truly do value their presence that I could possibly feel that sometimes it would just be better to be unknown. Because it's not just alone that I want. Or silence. It's being around those I don't know. Being anonymous. Wandering. With no expectations. Allowed to be selfish. Or not. But as I choose.

I do need to have more time for myself and my thoughts. For nothingness. For lack of things to do. Without guilt.

Thinking

pocketcanoe
Originally uploaded by pocketcanoe

I do my best thinking when I'm walking by myself at night. And tonight I was thinking a lot.

I was thinking that I've been all stressed out lately. Overwhelmed. A little bit short-tempered. A wedding, a renovation, a work situation that's impossible to win right now. It would do it to most people, I'm sure.

And then I went to teach. And my learner, well, he's been doing something thinking too. About what he's going to do with his life. Or just about how to get a job. Or even some work in general.

wedding dresses

wedding dresses
Originally uploaded by killrbeez

There are a lot of wedding dresses in the world.

Most of them are:
a) Not in my budget
b) Not my style
c) Pretty, but not sold in shops I've been to

So where does that leave me?

Resolutions: Finding joy

I've been thinking over the past week about the holidays. And life.

Life was pretty stressful prior to the holidays. I know what you're thinking: "Didn't you just go on holidays to wonderfully warm resort island?"

Why yes, we did. And it was lovely. And I did relax quite a bit. But I got back to work for a week and it was all undone for me. I scrambled to see everyone I could for the holidays and get shopping done and baking. Not that those things are tough things to do, but they took time -- time which was in short supply and meant that I had a deficit of time for myself.

The holidays, thankfully, supplied that. Time to myself. But also time with family. Time to pretty much do nothing. And it's a good thing, too, because that luxury won't be afforded to me again for a very long time. Why? check out my list of "things to do this year" :

Winter Wonderland overcomes winter blahs

Winter Wonderland
Originally uploaded by justingaynor

I'm sitting at home now, in front of my computer with my Christmas tree lights on, drinking mint tea.

My toes have that itchy feeling they get after they've been really cold and wet. Like they're defrosting.

I've just been stood up by my learner. I'm a literacy tutor. I teach on Tuesday nights, usually, unless my learner cancels. He once asked me why I do this for free -- what do I get out of it? I get a different perspective on life. I get to remember what's really important. I get to feel like I'm making a difference in someone's life.

None of them small things, to be sure.